Letters to Shelby
by hayleynymphadora
Summary: After Rachel's tragic death, (mostly following the story line of Glee, besides Rachel's death and Shelby's relationship), Shelby Corcoran is given letters, like a diary, that Rachel has written to her throughout part of her teenage life. This story is full of angst, hurt, mourning, and love. After reading these letters, Shelby returns to Rachel's grave to answer them all.
1. A Prologue

**Here's a story I've been working on for a while now. Thank you to Defygravity09 for helping me realize it was probably post-worthy and that my readers would enjoy it.**

**It's complete besides the final chapter, which I plan on finishing tonight or tomorrow. There are 32 chapters total, and I will be posting chapters sporadically based on request and how much time I have to post however many at a time, (if that makes sense).**

**Also know that these chapters are pretty short in length, considering most of them are just letters.**

**Love always and I hope you enjoy, Hayley**

A Prologue:

Shelby Corcoran sat in the living room of her apartment, drinking tea and watching while her youngest daughter, Beth, played with her toys in front of her. She smiled at her little girl, who seemed so full of light and energy and just excited to be awake and playing.

It only took one phone call to ruin Shelby and Beth's moment of bliss. She didn't even have to answer the call to know something was horribly wrong. She could feel it in her gut.

"Hello?" she said tentatively.

"Shelby, thank god. I thought someone had called you by now. You're her mother, you deserve to know."

Shelby had about a billion questions by the time the voice had finished talking but all she could manage to get out was, "Who is this?"

"Sorry. It's Will." his voice was rough.

"Will? What about my daughter? What happened to Rachel?" A thousand bad situations went through her mind at once-was she hurt? Did she fall? Was she sick? Did she need surgery?-but nothing seemed to prepare her for what she was about to hear.

"Shelby...oh god, I'm so sorry." his voice broke. Was he crying? "Rachel died, yesterday, in a car crash."

Shelby's throat tightened and she couldn't remember how to breathe. Tears instantly streamed down her cheeks. He was lying, right? Rachel couldn't have died in a car crash. Rachel, her sweet, sweet Rachel couldn't be dead. No.

Her throat was hoarse and her voice broke as she whispered, "Sick joke, Will." and nearly hung up the phone.

"Shelby," he said softly, his voice so remorseful that Shelby knew he had to be telling the truth. That was when Shelby Corcoran broke down-something Shelby had never done before in her entire life. She let out a scream-a heart broken, life shattering scream that was full of nothing but regret and sorrow and anger and pain.

The phone dropped out of her hand and Beth looked up at her mother, confused as to why she was yelling.

Shelby dropped to the floor and screamed again.

Her long-time girlfriend, Cassandra July, had heard the first scream from the bathroom (she had been taking a shower) and wrapped herself up in a towel before slamming the water off and running to Shelby. She got to her by the time she had screamed out in anguish the second time. With wide, concerned eyes, Cassandra dropped to her lover's side.

"Shelby? Sweetheart, what's wrong?! Are you hurt?"

Shelby clutched her hands together and leaned forward with another scream. Her Rachel. Her first born. Her baby that was never hers-could never truly be hers. She had missed so much, and now...now...

"Rachel, no!" Shelby yelled out again. Scared, Beth clung to Cassandra's side.

"Mommy?" she wondered.

Cassandra was terrified and didn't know what to do. She had never seen her lover so lost, so broken. In so much pain.

Then it clicked. Shelby had yelled "Rachel". What the hell had happened to Rachel? Was Rachel...she couldn't be…dead?

She spied Shelby's phone, still on, on the floor next to her. Slowly, she reached over for it and held it to her ear, one hand on Shelby.

"Who is this?" she asked.

"Who is this?" a man's voice she didn't recognize asked back. He had clearly been crying as well.

"Shelby's girlfriend."

"Cassandra?" Will had met her once or twice. "It's Will."

"Will. What's wrong with Rachel? Shelby can't function."

After a short moment of silence, Cass heard him reply, sadly, "Rachel's dead."

Cass felt like she had been punched in the gut. She hadn't known Rachel extremely well-then again, neither had Shelby-but she was still Shelby's daughter. Shelby's flesh and blood.

"What happened?" Cass whispered, tears brimming her eyes.

"Car crash," Will mustered. "Kurt and Finn are in the hospital, still. But Rachel...the semi hit her spot on. He was drunk."

"Finn was?" Cass questioned, trying to make sense of a situation that seemed illogical. How could a car crash have killed Rachel Berry? So, she wasn't immortal but she was otherwise unconquerable. She had such big dreams—aspirations. How could she just be…dead?

"No, the driver of the semi that hit them. Finn was being perfectly safe. It wasn't the kids' fault."

"They were just the victims." Cass whispered.

"We're all still over at the Berry house, if you two want to come over," Will said after a long beat of silence and processing. "We're just...mourning."

Cass turned her attention to Shelby, who was hyperventilating. She silently coached her into taking deep breaths and clutched Beth to her side.

"We have Beth," she said into the phone.

"She can come," Will let her know. "The kids have been wanting to see her-Puck and Quinn are here, though, will Shelby be okay with that?"

A tear slipped down Cassandra's cheek. She couldn't believe she was having this discussion. About going over to her girlfriend's teenage daughter's house. To mourn her death.

Shelby drew in a sharp breath and wrapped her arms around Cassie, crying into her shoulder. Cass embraced her and kissed the top of her head, soothingly. "I don't think she'll care." she muttered into the phone. "We'll see if Shelby feels like leaving the house."

"Okay. You know the way?"

"I know the address, I'll figure it out. Goodbye, Will."

"Bye, Cassandra."

She hung up the phone and threw it onto the couch and held onto Shelby while she cried over her baby girl.

Beth was still very young and very small and didn't understand what was happening. But her Mommy and Cassie were crying, so she started to cry as well. It took a solid hour and a half for Shelby to start to calm down. Silent tears continued to flow down her raw cheeks as she slowly pulled away from Cass and whispered, her voice rough, "I want to go."

"Are you sure?" Cass wondered. "You don't have to, sweetheart."

Shelby nodded. She felt so many things-anger, regret, depression, frustration-but she also felt numb. Cass placed a slow, lingering kiss on Shelby's forehead before saying,

"Okay."

She wrapped an arm around Shelby to help her stand and ten minutes later they were driving to the Berry household. It was only a twenty minute drive but no one said a word and the minutes dragged on like they were hours.

Once Cassandra pulled into the driveway, the two women just sat there-Beth kicked her feet against her car seat in the back.

They finally went inside (Beth found her way to Puck, who greeted her with open arms) and Shelby completely lost it.

She had spied Hiram from across the room and yelled, "My daughter died YESTERDAY and you never called to tell me what had happened?!" she demanded, ripping herself out of Cassandra's grip (the blonde had been trying to hold her back) and rushing towards him.

"Shelby," Cass said with a tone of warning.

Heads turned (they were all Glee kids, and a few adults, Cassandra noticed) and watched as Shelby grabbed the front of Hiram's shirt, tears just pouring down her face to the point where she couldn't see.

"Let her go," Will said from behind Cass.

"How COULD you?!" Shelby yelled. "She was MY DAUGHTER TOO! I know I didn't raise her and that's the biggest regret of my life but she was still my daughter too and you DIDN'T FUCKING CALL ME!"

"I'm so sorry, Shelby," Hiram cried back.

By this time, Cass and Santana had taken to pulling Shelby off of him.

Defeated, Shelby whispered, "Sorry isn't good enough," and collapsed into Cassandra's embrace once more.

"Shh, love," Cass soothed, rubbing her hand down the back of Shelby's head. She bit her cheek so she wouldn't cry-so she'd stay strong for Shelby. "I know, baby, I know."

. . .

Except she didn't, not really. Not even Cassandra understood the pain that Shelby was feeling. She was broken.

Beth sat on Quinn's lap and everyone sat in the living room, just staring at each other. The mourning group consisted of Puck, Quinn, Sam, Mercedes, Santana, Brittany, Artie, Tina and Mike, and everyone else in Glee Club (Besides Finn and Kurt, who were in the hospital, and Blaine, who was with Kurt). Emma and Will sat with each other in the corner.

. . . Cassandra and Shelby learned that Finn was in a coma (his mom was at his bedside, as well as Burt and Blaine, on occasion) and Kurt had broken his leg and 2 ribs.  
Shelby stared sullenly at the coffee table in front of her while she heard all of this new information. She was listening, but in her mind, they were alive and fine and nothing else really mattered because Rachel wasn't.

The funeral was the worst thing Shelby had ever experienced-not because it was a horrible service, but because it was her teenage daughter's funeral.

LeRoy and Hiram had asked Shelby to sing and she agreed to do it, but only for Rachel. They asked her to sing "I Dreamed a Dream" and "The Way We Were". She managed to make it through both while choking through tears while everyone else wept as they listened.

She was so young, Rachel. She had such amazing dreams-a whole life ahead of her. She had done nothing to deserve this. She had been a 4.0 student, a model child, so talented, so wonderful, a star.

The world was just so damn CRUEL, Shelby decided as she wiped another tear once the service was over. She walked by the table covered in gold star confetti and pictures of Rachel. The accident had been too gruesome to give her an open casket.

Reaching her hand out, Shelby stroked a picture of Rachel posing like Barbra Streisand in Funny Girl. She would never see her baby again and she didn't even own a picture of her. Her heart stung with a giant stab of guilt.

Hiram cleared his throat as he walked up behind her. "Do you want all of those pictures?" he offered. "We have copies of them at home..."

Shelby spun around, took note of where Cassandra was standing with Beth across the room, then directed her attention back to Hiram and nodded, crossing her arms over her chest. She noticed he was carrying a box.

He held it out to her.

"This is for you," he said.

Shelby double blinked, slowly. "What is that?" she asked.

After awkwardly clearing his throat again, he choked up anyways while responding,

"Some of Rachel's things we thought you'd want. We felt horrible because you're right, you are here mother. It's also full of letters."

Now Shelby was puzzled. "Letters?" she questioned.

With a nod, Hiram said, "We found them in her closet, next to her Barbra shrine. A whole bunch of letters in this box titled, "Mom".

Shelby had thought she had control of her tears but she was wrong. They started surfacing again as she heard this news. "She...Rachel wrote letters to me?" she couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"A ton of them," Hiram nodded with a small, sad smile. "We didn't read any of them. They belong to you."

For the first time in her life, Shelby reached out and hugged Hiram Berry.

"Thank you," she cried. "I can't believe she's gone."

"She loved you so much," Hiram let her know.

That did her in. She was destroyed.

And that night she would begin reading the first of many of Rachel's letters to her.

"Dear Mom, (Is it alright if I call you Mom?)..."


	2. Rachel's Introduction Letter

**I also apologize for any mistakes. None of this went through my editor. Well, she read many chapters but never officially as an editor. :)**

**Love always, Hayley**

Chapter 1: Rachel's Introduction Letter

Dear Mom, (Is it alright, if I call you Mom?)

I know we're not really on that sort of a basis with each other, but truthfully I don't know what to call you. You see, because my dads refuse to tell me who you are-not even your name-something about a contract. I'm not really sure.  
Do you even know my name?

It's Rachel. Rachel Barbra Berry.

I don't know anything about you, so I don't know if you know who Barbra Streisand is, (if you don't then shame on you, because everyone should know who she is) but anyways, my middle name came from her name.

All of this seems so random, I know. In all reality, I'm not sure why I'm writing to you. I guess...I just really want to write to my mom. Even though I'll probably never send this-I mean, how could I? I don't even know your name, let alone your address. But there are just some things I can't talk to my dads about.

Does that make sense? Besides, they're usually busy and the time I do get to spend with them, I want to have a light tone, and for it to be fun.

So at least this way, I'll get to talk to you, even though I'm not.

I guess it's sort of serving as my diary.

Not like you're really reading anyways.

Love, Rachel Berry


	3. Shelby's Downfall

Chapter 2: Shelby's Downfall

Tears splashed down onto the first letter Rachel had written as Shelby read it. Her poor daughter had been so lonely, she had started writing journal letters to a mother she knew nothing about and who didn't know her.

Shelby pulled her legs up to her chest and sniffed, wiping a tear with her sweater sleeve. She cursed herself for ever signing that damn closed adoption contract. Rachel's life had practically been ruined because of it.

"The world's worst mother award should go to me." Shelby said to Cassie, who was supportively sitting next to her but reading a dance history book. Those were Shelby's letters and Cass felt she had no business reading them.

"That's not true," Cassandra told her. "You're an amazing mother. Beth loves you."

"I wasn't to Rachel," Shelby reached into the box and pulled out the second letter. "Now it's too late."

Cass moved closer to Shelby and wrapped her arms around her. She placed a soft kiss on her neck, wiped away Shelby's tears, and just held her. It was what she needed-that comfort that was necessary to make her start reading that next letter, so late at night.


	4. Dear Mom

Chapter 3: Dear Mom

Dear Mom, (I hope you decided it's okay I can call you that)

I don't know where you come from, but I was raised in a world of theatre. In theatre, there's this saying, "All the world's a stage, and the people merely players."

I used to think that I was the star of the world, and everyone else were just supporting roles.

Now I realize how wrong I was.

Everyone hates me, Mom.

Today I was slushied for the 2nd time in 3 days. (In case you're unfamiliar with the term, my school, McKinley High, has a slushy machine. Those people who think they're better than the rest of us-mostly the Jocks and the Cheerios-get large slushies and throw them at people like me).

Who are people like me, you might wonder?

Apparently people who aspire to actually be something. People who long for their dreams to come true. I have big dreams—goals, if you will, and I refuse to rest until they're accomplished.

They're simple, really: Stardom. Broadway, in particular.

But the longer I stay here and try to accomplish anything, the more I realize I'm just a Lima Loser.

Broadway stars don't have to wash red dye #7 out of their reindeer sweaters.  
Love, Rachel Berry


	5. Rachel's Imagination

Chapter 4: Rachel's Imagination

Dear Mom,

So I've really just been wondering who you are. I'm trying to convince myself you're Barbra Streisand-I've even done extensive amounts of research but haven't gotten enough to come to a final conclusion yet.

I'm also trying to gather evidence that you're Patti LuPone. No leads on that yet.

Sometimes, when we're in Glee rehearsal and Mr. Schue is teaching everyone basic music knowledge I've known since I was three, (If I'm not spending my time thinking about how it was wrong of Finn to leave me for Quinn Fabray) I daydream that you're going to walk through the door, sing a powerhouse, show stopping Broadway number that would put Barbra to shame (which, if you're not Barbra, would be a nearly impossible thing to do) and take me out of this awfully small place.

Lima Ohio. The Middle of nowhere. A pathetic waste of my talent.

My dads don't tell me much about you, but I know a little bit. They said you used the surrogate money to get to New York and be a star, like I want to do.

That must mean you're really talented. I really hope your dream came true, Mom. I hope you didn't get stuck in a crappy place like Lima your whole life.

I know first-hand that Lima isn't fun.

They also told me you used to sing "Don't Rain on My Parade" to me while you were pregnant with me. Maybe that's why it's always been my favorite.  
Love, Rachel Berry


	6. Rest is For the Weak

Chapter 5: Rest is for the Weak

"Shelby, sweetheart," Cass pressed her lips to Shelby's forehead as the mourning brunette mother finished reading a third letter. "It's getting really late, you're burning up, and it's been a very long day." she moved her kiss to Shelby's lips and Shelby kissed her back, lightly. "You should really get some rest." Cass pushed.

Shelby shook her head. "Rest is for the weak." she mumbled, stubbornly. Cass sat down on Shelby's lap and Shelby held her, gratefully.

"What about work tomorrow?" Cass asked her softly.

"Figgins gave me time off."

"How much time?"

"He said as long as I needed."

Cass glanced at the box, still filled to the brim with letters and other small things of Rachel's.

"Shelbs, you can't read all of those in one night." she tried to reason with her girlfriend.

"I know," Shelby sighed. She looked back at Cass, slightly hopeful. "Just a few more? Will you read them with me?"

Cassandra kissed her again and whispered, "Shelby, these letters aren't her. They're not going to bring her back."

"I know," Shelby said again, her heart heavy with guilt. "I know, but please?"

After a moment of silence, Cass agreed. "Okay. Are you sure you want me to read them, too?"

Shelby nodded. "Yes, Cassie."

And so they did.


	7. Performance Comfort

Chapter 6: Performance Comfort

Dear Mom,

Have you ever performed on a stage?

I guess if you're not a singer or dancer or into The Arts at all, the answer to that question would probably be no. But I guess in my mind, I'm basing a lot on genetics and just trusting that you are a lot like me.

But it's incredible, to perform on a stage. At first it's terrifying, no doubt. You stand backstage and every single insecurity you have about yourself swims to the surface of your mind and tries to trap you.

What if they laugh at me? Because I know they're going to, no matter how amazing you are. Because they don't understand-don't appreciate talent-because if you're in Glee Club at McKinley, you're a Lima Loser.

What if I'm not good enough? Because, "Being good isn't good enough. I'll be the best or nothing at all."

But then you get out on that stage and fall into the music and you just...sing. And it truly is amazing-the most freeing feeling in the world. And for the amount of time that you perform-for that short while-none of your other problems exist.

It's my escape.

Do you have an escape, mom? Is it performing, too?

With love, Rachel Berry


	8. Defying Gravity

Chapter 7: Defying Gravity

Dear Mom,

Have you ever seen the musical, "Wicked"?

There's a line in a song called 'Defying Gravity'-"And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free.".

I'm pretty alone, Mom. That's why I do everything in schedules and 110%. I'm alone, solo, free.

My dads, though they love me and are good to me, are not often home.

My schedules keep me busy, and I dare to admit, sane.

Mr. Schuester says that our competition is going to truly just be Vocal Adrenaline. We went to their performance today. They were incredible, and compared to them we're just some joke. And we HAVE to beat them. Besides when I'm writing to you and when I'm at school, I spend my every waking moment preparing for competition. I rehearse at least 8 hours a day-singing and dancing in the studio. I still fear it won't be enough to beat the infamous Shelby Corcoran's group of emotionless, lifeless automatons. They rehearse like 15 hours a day and they are GOOD. And unfortunately, no one else at McKinley is putting forth the same amount of effort.

I'm so sick of working so hard for nothing-when no one else will do the same.

I'm tired of being the only one who cares.

It just hurts too much, Mom.

Sometimes, I wonder why I even bother.

Will it ever even be worth it?

I've seen what Vocal Adrenaline can do and I know it's time to face the music.

Glee Club is finished no matter how hard I work. It's not fair, mom. We've only just begun.

Love, Rachel Berry


	9. Make Me Forget

Chapter 8: Make Me Forget

Shelby's face was reddened and puffy from crying; her eyes bloodshot from sadness and exhaustion. She found it odd that Rachel talked about her and knew who she was before she TRULY knew who she was. She also found it sort of funny that Rachel referred to Vocal Adrenaline as lifeless automatons.

Somehow, Cassie convinced her to get some sleep after reading this letter. Shelby took the top of the box to the side and placed the letters that had already been read on top of it, to separate what she'd read from what she hadn't.

She was in the bedroom she shared with Cassie, waiting on the bed for Cassie to come in from the kitchen and go to sleep.

A little something shiny caught Shelby's attention from inside the letter box. Curious, she reached her hand in and pulled out a small, thin gold chain necklace. A single, small, dazzling gold star rested in the middle. With a long, slow inhale and exhale, she pressed the necklace between her hands, then pressed it up to her lips and inhaled again, recalling something she had once heard Rachel say,

"My gold stars are a metaphor for me being a star."

It was something the two hadn't realized about each other at first, but genetics truly were amazing. Gold stars were main icon for both mother and daughter-even after lives apart from each other.

Cassandra walked into the room to find Shelby in that position- the necklace in her hands, her lips to them, her eyes closed. Cass stood silently at the doorway so as to not interrupt her-to not ruin the moment she was having that was so precious.  
With a long, slow, calming breath, Shelby let a tear slip down her cheek before wiping it and opening her eyes to see Cassandra in the doorway.

"Cassie," Shelby's voice broke and she said her girlfriend's name so innocently she seemed like a very sad little girl. The blonde had never seen her lover like this. This wasn't the hard-ass all-business Shelby that Cassandra was used to. The death of Rachel brought out a whole new side of Shelby-her emotional, innocent, fragile and in need of comfort side. But it also brought out a strong passion, Cassandra would come to notice very quickly. It brought out a fierce wish to run away.

Because Shelby Corcoran did not work well with emotion.

"Come hold me?" Shelby asked, practically at a beg.

Quickly, Cassie stripped and put on pj's and slid under the comforter, pulling Shelby close to her-wrapping her in a loving embrace. She rocked her lover softly-caught a glimpse of the necklace in her grasp. Shelby reached it out to her and whispered,

"Will you put this on me?"

Tenderly, Cassie took the chain from Shelby's fingers, swept her hair from her neck and hooked it. Shelby reached up lightly and touched the star.

"It's so unfair." Shelby whispered.

"I know, sweetheart." Cassie whispered back. "I know, I'm sorry, I'm so so very sorry."  
Shelby turned her head and pressed her lips forcefully, passionately, to Cassandra's. Cass pulled back slowly, concerned.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Distract me," Shelby kissed her again. "Please, Cassie, please just distract me until I fall asleep. Make me forget. Make me go numb."

Shaking her head, Cassie took Shelby's hands in hers. "Shelby, no." she said calmly. "You don't want that."

"I DO!" Shelby insisted. She moved and straddled Cassandra's waist, pressing herself against her and kissing her again. "Distract me, Cassie, kiss me. I want to forget."

Against Cassie's wishes, her body reacted under Shelby's. Her body wanted Shelby's touch but her mind knew it wasn't right. Not this moment, not for this reason. Shelby had Cassie's arms pinned to her sides so she couldn't reach out and stop her. Cass spoke against Shelby's lips.

"Shelby you need to stop. This isn't-" Shelby kissed Cassie's neck and forced a little whimper from Cassie's lips. "Shelby this isn't healthy-" she rushed to get her words out as Shelby's hands explored Cassie's body, powerfully. It almost scared Cassie how desperate she was to run away from these feelings. "You're in pain-" Cass gasped out. "You're in mourning. You don't want to forget Rachel. You're going to make yourself sick..."

Shelby was crying now and Cassie could taste the salt form her tears. She took her lips away from Cassie's and said lowly, painfully, "I don't want to forget Rachel, I want a feeling other than this anger, this fear, this pain. Please, Cassie, just for a little while. Make love to me-make me FEEL love. Something different than this hurt-something MORE."

"Shelby," Cass tried to reason as Shelby tried working off Cassandra's shirt. "You don't know what you're doing."

"The hell I don't." Shelby practically growled. She ground her hips against Cassie's and Cass involuntarily arched her back at the contact. "Please," Shelby begged. "Please distract me. I don't want to think about sad things anymore." she sounded so desperate-so lost. "I need to clear my mind so I can sleep and think straight-"

"Exactly, you're not thinking straight." Cassandra, at this point, was deeply concerned about Shelby's mental health. And about her state of well being. She placed her hands on Shelby's hips to calm her. "I'm not going to have sorrow sex with you." she said carefully, trying to get Shelby to understand what she was doing. "Sex is always your distraction, baby, I know that. It's your escape. You get angry, you get scared and you don't know how to properly deal with the emotion and you try to distract yourself. But you can't-" her grip tightened on Shelby's hips and she said slowly, forcefully, "You can't fuck the pain away, Shelby, even for a little while. That pain," she finally got Shelby to look into her eyes. "That pain is always there and you have to learn to accept it and move on. Emotion makes you human, Shelby. You can't run from this. You can't escape it."

Shelby slowed her hips, until they stopped completely. Her eyes were filled to the brim with hot tears. She took a deep breath, came to the realization that Cassandra was right, and wrapped her arms around her, laying her head on Cass's chest.

A broken sob emitted from her throat and Cass ran a hand down the back of Shelby's head to soothe her.

"She was so strong," Shelby said. "And ambitious, and goal oriented. She was sweet and victimized. She didn't deserve it, Cassie. And I didn't get any time with her-none-and it's all my fault. I was so selfish!"

"Shh, sweetheart, take a breath..."

She did so, then continued.

"It should've been me. She had her whole life ahead of her and I couldn't make my dreams come true but she-she was capable of it, and now all of that is gone. Is there no mercy?!"

"Shelby," Cassie was at a loss for words.

The two sat in silence besides the sound of Shelby's weeping.

Finally, Cassie said, "Those are your letters from Rachel. I'm not sure I feel right reading them. Like I'm breaking some sort of mother daughter secrecy."

"But I need you to read them," Shelby explained. "So I'm not alone-so you understand what I'm saying when I talk to you about her."

"I'm sure you can explain things when the time comes." Cass said, rubbing Shelby's arms. "But you're never alone. And those are yours."

"Okay." Shelby moved her head off of Cassie's chest and Cassie kissed her softly, her lips lingering.

"I love you," Cass promised her. "You need to sleep."

With a final kiss, Shelby nodded, "Okay," she agreed and adjusted her position so she was lying next to Cass as opposed to on top of her. Cass continued to hold her, and eventually the two relaxed enough to sleep.


	10. Why Eat When You Can Read?

Chapter 9: Why Eat When You Can Read

When Shelby woke, the sun was shining brightly through the curtains—too brightly to be morning. Unless maybe, she thought, rubbing her eyes and stretching her back, finding herself alone in bed; maybe it was sunrise?

She turned her head to check the clock. It read 7:30.

The sun didn't rise at 7:30, did it? She figured it must be night—that she had been tired enough to sleep the entire day away.

She found a hair tie on the bedside table and pulled her hair into a messy bun before slowly climbing out from under the sheets and making her way out to the kitchen to see if she could find Cassie. Her stomach growled as she walked down the hallway and by some miracle she found Cassie in the kitchen, tending to a pot on the stove.

Cass spun around, hearing Shelby's footsteps. "Good morning, Starshine." She smirked. "You hungry? I bought some tomato basil bread and made you tomato basil soup—I know it's your favorite."

Shelby smiled a small smile and Cass set her soup and bread on the table in front of her. Shelbs sat down.

"You don't have to wait on me, Cassie." She said softly.

With a scoff, Cass kissed Shelby's forehead. "I know I don't _have_ to." She rolled her eyes. "But you need someone. You need comfort and I'm here. I will always be here."

"Do you promise?" Shelby asked.

"I promise." Cassandra smiled.

Shelby managed a half smile and tried her soup. It was incredible. "Thank you." She said. "For everything."

"Of course," Cassie responded.

They ate soup in silence and Cassie whispered, "I have to go back to work tomorrow."

Shelby stiffened, slightly. "Oh. So this is guilt soup." She determined.

"Slightly?"

"And you won't always be here." Shelby's tone was numb—Cassandra dared to ever call it somewhat hard.

"Shelbs, I'll be here as much as humanly possible. I'm a dance instructor—I work flexible hours and only from noon to ten…"

"I know," Shelby sad, with a hand wave. She knew she was just being dramatic—of course Cass had to work. "I'm just being selfish. Work is important." But she still had to wonder what would happen to her once she was alone.

"Please stop calling yourself selfish," Cassandra said. "Baby, you know nothing is more important in my life than you and Beth, and if we didn't need the money—"

"I know," Shelby reasoned. "It's okay."

She wouldn't be completely alone. She would have Beth. Speaking of Beth…

"Where is Beth?" she took another spoonful of soup.

"Playing in her room. Last I checked she was drawing. I think we have an artist on our hands."

"Hmm."

Shelby was trying—really, really trying—not to be cold, or hard, or numb, or sad. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't keep her mind off of Rachel.

About how she gave Jesse a tap so Rachel would go looking for her, and once Rachel had found her, she'd said no. Said any relationship they had would just be confusing. Practically pushed her away, and said that they would, "admire each other from afar for now".

Because of Shelby, they'd had no time to bond. Because of Shelby, all she would ever know about her first born would come from the letters that Rachel had written to her.

Because Shelby had been too scared to let them try any kind of relationship. Because she hadn't even given them a chance.

And now, they would never have one.

Rachel was dead.

Another unwanted tear slid down Shelby's cheeks—they were getting so raw from sobbing so much, and her throat very hoarse.

Suddenly, though the meal Cassie had made her was very good and she could feel her stomach growling, Shelby wasn't feeling so hungry anymore. Melancholy, she stared off in thought.

Cassandra's voice slowly pulled Shelby out of her thoughts.

"What are you thinking about, Sweetheart?" she wondered.

A pause occurred before Shelby responded, "I have to keep reading those letters. I can't stop again until they're finished."

Cass double blinked. "There are a LOT of letters there, Shelby…"

"Well then I guess I'd better start reading them, huh?" she asked, grabbing a pen and notebook as she made her way back to grab the box and sit on the couch. She stared down at the couch cushion and rubbed her hand against it, slowly. Until she was finished with these letters, this couch would be her best friend. The pen and paper would be used to answer the questions that Rachel asked throughout her letters. Even though Rachel would never be able to read her answers, she remembered sadly. Every time it re-occurred to her that her daughter was no longer living she was punched in the stomach once more. She was still in shock.

And she couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, she always would be.


	11. Finn Hudson

Chapter 10: Finn Hudson

Dear Mom,

So…I have a crush. Maybe it's even more than just a crush….I can't be sure yet. His name is Finn Hudson. He's…Mom, he's incredible.

I can't talk to anyone else about him…I don't have girlfriends to go to and I can't talk to my dads. I hope it's okay that I tell you about him.

He's the quarterback of the football team, and he joined Glee club (what a football player is doing talking to US and singing with us is unknown to me…I think Mr. Schue had something to do with it) and he's SO GOOD. Finally, a male lead that can keep up with me vocally.

His eyes are beautiful. I've never been so star struck. And that is saying something…

Although since we're the two leads people would think we would become some sort of fantastic dynamic duo…he's dating Quinn Fabray. Head Cheerio, popular, skinny, blonde, perfect, leader of the celibacy club, Queen Quinn Fabray. I can't compete.

Quinn HATES me. Her and her posse—Santana, and Brittany—are constantly shoving me around and calling me names and making me feel like I'm nothing. They comment on my Myspace page about how I should get my tubes tied and how I should have been aborted…

I know it's juvenile to be intimidated by the three of them. But if he's dating Quinn Fabray, there's no way he'll ever down grade to….man hands, crazy Rachel Berry.

I just wish he would notice me outside of Glee.

Maybe then, I'd have a bit of a chance.

I even figured out our shipname: it would be Finchel.

Do you think I'll ever have a chance?

Love, Rachel Berry


	12. Why Can't I Be Prettier?

Chapter 11: Why Can't I be Prettier Like that Quinn Girl?

Dear Mom,

I'm sure you are gorgeous. But why am I so NOT gorgeous? Why can't I be prettier and thinner, like that Quinn girl? I'm not Quinn—I don't look like her and I'm not as blonde or skinny. I'm not a Cheerio and I'm really just that loser that loves musicals. And Finn will never want me.

I tried throwing up today…to try and be skinnier. So I wouldn't gain fat from the lunch I barely touched. I don't know what I was thinking. I know it's not healthy. I know I shouldn't resort to such things over a boy. But…But it's Finn, mom! It's Finn and he's with Quinn and…And I'll never be as good as her. And she reminds me of that every day.

I even joined the celibacy club so I could be around Finn more. I know, you don't have to say it, I'm pathetic. It was a waste of time anyways—the entire thing was a complete joke. The dirty little secret that none of the guys realize is that girls want sex just as much as they do.

Of course that's a lot of big talk coming from a virgin.

I tried to be sexy. I tried to get Finn's attention….it ended up in us doing a performance of "Push It" at the school assembly, us getting into trouble and Quinn, Brittany, AND Santana joining Glee. Thanks to me, now the only way to join Glee is if they sing an "approved" song…so…that plan failed.

I don't know what to do, mom. I wish you were here to help…I know what I'm doing isn't right but I'm not sure how to win him over. I'm not sure I ever will.

Love, Rachel Berry


	13. I Blew My Only Chance With Him

Chapter 12: I Blew My Only Chance with Him

Dear Mom,

I had it. I had my chance and I took it and I lost it. I blew it.

Am I that horrible of a kisser? This was my first kiss before with…with anybody. And I think I messed it up horribly.

He asked me to help him practice his singing after school. So I made us a picnic and went all out, put it up on the stage and everything. We had a pretty good time and then all of a sudden, he…well he said I was pretty cool and then he kissed me.

Finn Hudson KISSED me, Mom!

And I kissed him back. And we got really into it.

And then he just…left. Quickly. He says it wasn't my fault…but if that's true, why do I feel like it was? Why do I always ruin great things for myself? I don't understand why he left so quickly. I don't understand why I'm such a screw up.

For someone who seems to be a know it all, I don't know very much about boys, I suppose. Maybe it's because Finn was the first one to ever give me the time of day.

Love, Rachel Berry


	14. Shelby's Analysis

Chapter 13: Shelby's Analysis

"Oh, Rachel." Shelby laughed lightly. "I'm so sorry, honey." She'd discovered, reading these letters, that they actually made her feel a lot better. Rachel trusted her enough and loved her enough, even though she'd never even met her at this point, to write letters to her in the form of a diary. To talk about boy problems, and her life. To tell her everything about her. To be so personal with her. And even though Rachel wasn't really there, these letters made it feel like she was. It was comforting, and Shelby was cherishing every moment of it.

"What's so funny?" Cassie was curious, sitting on the opposite side of the couch and putting some grades into the computer, as well as writing out the lesson plans that she would be using for the next week.

"Rachel. She…well she had a huge crush on Finn. Way before they were together. And her first kiss was with him. And she said that they were in the middle of kissing and they were getting really into it and then he just all of a sudden left."

Cass covered a smile. "Sounds to me like Finn got a little overexcited and was too embarrassed to tell Rachel."

"The poor girl joined celibacy club for him the day before, Cassie." Shelby informed her girlfriend and sighing. "I wish I was there to help her through this…she had no idea what she was doing and nobody would help her out."

"She figured things out on her own, Shelby. She was so smart." Cassie said.

"Yeah," Shelby whispered, a light smile on her lips. "Yeah, she was."

With that, she folded her legs under her and opened another letter. There were plenty more where that came from.


	15. Dakota Stanley

Chapter 14: Dakota Stanley

Dear Mom,

UGH I am SO FED UP with Mr. Schuester thinking he knows what he's doing. Every crappy old song we decide to work on and every horrible dance move he teaches to us, (especially to Finn who, bless his heart, has two left feet. Two left pig feet, mom. He's about as graceful as a pig when it comes to…well, grace in general, not just dancing), the more of a joke we'll look like compared to Vocal Adrenaline. There's no way we're going to beat them. It's absolutely impossible. I researched their coach, Shelby Corcoran, and she is AMAZING. You should hear this woman sing. I can't believe how great of a coach she is. They've won so many national championships…and all because of her. And the McKinley Glee club will not so much as win sectionals if we keep this charade up.

So Quinn decided we hire Dakota Stanley to be our choreographer. Usually Quinn would be the last person I would trust, but I think she actually might have a point here. I've looked him up, and he also works with Vocal Adrenaline on some of their songs.

The problem: he charges $8,000 a song.

We got the money. He came to work with us.

He is a COMPLETE jerk. I don't know how the Vocal Adrenaline kids could stand them. Wait, yes I do—they're all beautiful and perfect and are too stubborn to quit. Meanwhile the New Direction kids already have self-esteem issues and we all pretty much hate ourselves, so a person like Dakota Stanley just made us want to quit. He criticized everyone besides the Cherrios. I helped convinced everyone not to quit, though…temporarily.

It doesn't matter. According to Figgins if we lose sectionals we're done for. He won't let Mr. Schue let us continue after that.

And we aren't going to win sectionals.

Love, Rachel Berry

P.S I fired Dakota. You should've seen his face when I pointed out that I'm taller than him.


	16. Cabaret

Chapter 15: Cabaret

Dear Mom,

Have you ever wanted to be a star so badly that you gave up something you really truly loved for something else you thought you would love more?

I guess that's a stupid question…you gave me to my dads for money for New York so you could be a star…but that's different, right? I was made specifically for my dads, I was never really yours…

Anyways, I just got a lot off topic.

The reason I started with the question that I did, is that I have done that. It's end result is a musical called Cabaret.

Mr. Schue gave Tina MY solo from West Side Story. That is MY musical, and we've specifically discussed that anything from West Side Story goes straight to me. He's completely punishing me for the whole Dakota Stanley thing and it's so unfair that he's hurting me to make others feel good. Tina has a good voice but the fact of the matter is she's simply not ready for a role as iconic as Maria. Besides that, she's an alto. She can't hit the note at the end.

Long story short: I quit Glee. They rehired Sandy so now I'm his star in Cabaret. I really hope it works out, mom. Performing in musicals is so much better than dancing to choreography by Mr. Schuester. Sometimes I think it might even be better transferring schools and joining Vocal Adrenaline. I'm sure Shelby Corcoran could teach me a lot…she seems to know what she's doing and I'm sure she has a lot more to offer than Mr. Schue. The only experience he has in this field is the fact that he was in Glee Club in high school. And I'm not even sure they ever made it to Nationals.

Love, Rachel Berry


	17. Rachel Berry Cannot Be Replaced

Chapter 16: Rachel Berry Cannot be Replaced

Dear Mom,

He's already replaced me! As if I wasn't his star. As if I wasn't the talent (besides Finn) that held that group together. Don't get me completely wrong—the others are okay at singing. They're really good, actually. But I've had more training than the rest of them have. I know what I'm doing and he replaced me with some grown up, alcoholic wannabe from his past. He got the idea from Vocal Adrenaline. Everyone knows Jesse St. James should have graduated by now but Shelby keeps holding him back to keep him in her show choir. (Which I have to admit is not a horrible tactic, but all the same should not be used at McKinley). I guess he could bring her back because she didn't finish High School or something.

She's good. I'll give her that. And everybody seems to like her a whole lot more than they ever liked me. Which no one did. No one liked me. They just pretended to tolerate me, and now that I'm not in Glee anymore they don't even have to do that.

Finn still talks to me, at least. Sort of. He thinks my storm out about Tina was diva-ish but at least he doesn't slushy me like Puck or Quinn does.

Sandy keeps torturing me and yelling at me, telling me I'm not good enough for Cabaret even though I know I'm giving most Cabaret performers a run for their money. I was born to perform and the people here in talentless, uncultured Ohio don't know what they're talking about. Sandy's just mad he can't have the role for himself.

Anyways, back to Finn—this new girl, April, said to me she has it hot for him. Which, I might add, is DISGUSTING. Besides that…Finn was supposed to be mine to chase after.

What she doesn't know is that Quinn Fabray is dating him…and that she's pregnant.

Yes. That's right. Quinn Fabray is pregnant. Obviously Finn is the father…so if I ever even had a sliver of hope I'd ever have a chance with Finn, that's flying out the window. I can kiss it goodbye. He's going to be a dad now.

And I'm….I'm nothing.

Love, Rachel Berry


	18. Wishful Thinking

Chapter 17: Wishful Thinking

Dear Mom,

I don't know when Puck decided he was going to start being nice to me, but…he did. I figured at first it had to be some sort of a ploy—he's another football player (one that slushies me, at that) and he's definitely not the type of person you'd ever find talking to someone like me.

But he offered me a slushy instead of hitting me with it. He even noticed that grape was my favorite. And…and well he came to my house and we made out…and now we're…we're sort of a thing.

I'm not sure how it happened. Most people, if you look at us, would not think we have anything in common nor could we ever actually be together. But…I don't know the little spark was just sort of there.

He's actually sort of sweet. He's not extraordinarily school-smart, but he's very street smart. He's musically talented (especially at guitar. Although I find it much more interesting to watch Finn play the drums…is that a bad thing, do you think? To stare at one boy playing the drums while your boyfriend is playing guitar? Probably…).

He even took a slushy for me, mom. And when told to pick between football and glee…he chose glee.

I think that's really sweet of him. I'm not sure he actually did it for me, because most people wouldn't even give me the time of day, but it's nice that he knows deep down what the most important thing is.

Did I tell you that I rejoined Glee? I quit the musical. Sandy is a disgusting human being and I hope they never let him back into the school.

So…I know you probably aren't even going to read these, but…I really wish this was actually you that I was talking to. I wish that I was speaking to your face, instead of just a piece of paper. I mean, I don't even know what you look like.

I'll bet you're gorgeous. I wonder if you have the same eyes as me? I'm sure our hair is similar…but yours is probably fuller and easier to work with, and I doubt you have my haircut.

What do you dress like? I doubt you dress anything like me…with my long socks and pleated skirts and animal print sweaters. I could probably use a makeover but I wouldn't know where to start and I have no one willing to help me.

My mind keeps wandering back to Shelby Corcoran when I think of a mother. Based on the pictures of her…I don't know, maybe it's just wishful thinking of mine, but we look oddly similar. We can both sing, and she's an amazing actress and director. I found out that she even played Maria 18 times! That's so impressive—so incredible.

I guess anyways, I'm just wondering who you really are.

Or if you're even still out there.

Or where you are.

Or if you'd even want to have anything to do with me.

Would you even want to talk to me? Read about my boring old life and my little girl problems?

Since I'm not sure who you are, I'm not sure how to answer my own question.

Here's to hoping I find out someday.

Love, Rachel Berry


	19. Drama

Chapter 18: Drama

Dear Mom,

Puck was still in love with Quinn. And I was still in love Finn. And there's an even bigger piece of news—even after Quinn told her parents Finn was the baby's dad and they kicked her out (she lived with Finn but now she's living with Mercedes), they found out that Finn isn't the father. It's Puck. Puck is Quinn's baby's daddy.

Finn is so heartbroken, mom. And he's so mad at all of us for not telling him sooner. I told him as soon as I found out. I know maybe it was wrong of me…Kurt and Mercedes trusted me not to tell but…It wasn't fair to Finn. Now, despite the fact that I told him, he insists that we were all lying to him. I suppose you just can't win.

I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while…things got sort of busy.

WE WON AT SECTIONALS! Did I tell you?! It's incredible, mom. NONE of us thought we would make it this far, especially with Sue screaming down our backs and always trying to destroy us.

I fought with Kurt over a solo in Defying Gravity and won, and then fought with Kurt over Finn and won. For a little while. Until he got mad at me over nothing and broke up with me. I sang Gives You Hell in glee to him for good measure, (even though the assignment was Hello. Mr. Schue obviously does not see the genius in my plan. The rest of the club seemed to enjoy the performance. Sans Finn).

Oh! And I met someone new! Someone whom I've admired for a while but never met in the flesh and—SURPRISE—he's the lead of Vocal Adrenaline.

YES! Jesse St. James! I met him at "Between the Sheets" while I was looking for sheet music to work on. I guess he had the same sort of idea. We did an impromptu performance of "Hello" on the piano and it was beautiful and it was amazing. He even sings better than Finn does, mom, and I cannot BELIEVE he actually LIKES me. ME! Out of all people! Who'd have thought that I, Rachel Berry, could actually attract someone so…well…attractive? And sweet. And dramatic. And talented.

We are perfect for each other. He is a total sweetheart and…he's great, mom. He's perfect.

He gave me a tour of the Vocal Adrenaline stage. Everything is so much bigger and brighter at Carmel. It's incredible. I told him it all seemed too good to be true—that I knew he was going to break my heart. I mean, everything is perfect so that has to be what happens, right? He's going to break my heart?

He said I was over reacting. That I'm "More of a drama queen than he is" and I guess he's right about that.

He kissed me. The embarrassing part is that Shelby Corcoran saw it happen. She gave me a weird look—I'm not sure she really approves of the whole relationship and I can't imagine that she does, since we're supposed to be mortal enemies…I KNOW the glee kids don't approve. They tried to kick me out since I was "fraternizing with the enemy" which isn't fair in the slightest. Jesse isn't using me. I know better than that. My gut instincts tell me he really cares about me. And my gut instincts are never wrong.

Have you ever done that, mom? Followed your gut instincts even though everyone around you said that you were wrong? Did things turn out right? I hope so. I wish you all of the happiness in the world. This is the first time that I've been truly happy in a long time, mom. And it feels amazing.

Besides Mr. Schue and the others thinking that our romance is bound for disaster (we even fake broke up to get them off of our backs), we happen to find the whole Romeo and Juliet aspect of our relationship extremely romantic. Even my dads seem to like him. They invited him to dinner tonight and it was very nice and very sweet. He was a perfect gentleman. I don't understand why people don't like him. I just think they haven't taken the time to get to know the real him.

If you never take a chance with someone, how can you just automatically assume they're horrible?

Love, Rachel Berry


	20. Walking Into Rachel's Life

**Sorry, there was a miscounting in chapters. There will actually only be 31 chapters total.**

**Love always, Hayley**

Chapter 19: Walking Into Rachel's Life

Shelby smiled widely as she read about Rachel meeting Jesse. Even though Shelby was the one who had sent Jesse to Rachel—because she was dying to meet her daughter and was willing to do anything to make that happen—she knew that Jesse's feelings for her had been true. At first he thought of it as a great acting opportunity. But then his feelings grew and developed—they were true, honest to god feelings and she watched the way that Jesse and Rachel worked together. They truly were perfect, and Shelby thought it was very sweet that he made her so happy. It was a shame the two of them didn't last.

She also blushed slightly reading the words "fraternizing with the enemy". Will had approached her about the Jesse and Rachel relationship. It ended up with…well…

Shelby looked up at Cassie, who was still working on grading things.

"Cassie?" she said.

Cassie turned her head, shocked to see such a wide smile on Shelby's face. Maybe reading these letters was a better sense of closure than anyone had thought they would be. This was the first time since Rachel's death that she didn't see tears behind Shelby's expression. She actually seemed…light. Temporarily relaxed.

"Yes, Shelby?" she responded softly, wondering how long this blissful nature would last.

"Did I ever tell you that I once made out with Will Schuester?"

Cassie laughed out loud. "What?!"

"Yes," she giggled behind her hand. "If Rachel ever found out I'm sure she'd be in hysterics…it was while she was dating Jesse. Will thought I had set it up so that Jesse could be a spy…Jesse even switched schools and glee clubs for a while…I really just originally set it up so that I could meet Rachel, but it turned into something more. Anyways, Will took me home that day and we made out on his couch…." Shelby started laughing. "And then he made me coffee and told me about his failed relationships. He was really cute though, with that clunker he drove and that dimple in his chin…"

Cassie scooted closer to Shelby as she talked, a light smile on her lips. "You'd better stop talking now, sweetheart," she warned smugly. "You might make me jealous." She whispered the last word.

Beth looked up at her mom and Cassie talking and scrunched her nose when they kissed, perking her lips up for a kiss from each of them, too. It was something she always did when she saw them kiss. She didn't want to miss out on love from her mommy.

After each of them gave Beth a kiss, they continued to talk, Beth resting in Shelby's lap.

"You know…she talked a lot to me about me." Shelby commented, realizing how absurd that must sound and continuing. "Before she knew I was Shelby Corcoran…she often mentioned Shelby Corcoran and her choir of Vocal Adrenaline…and oddly enough it's not just because we were rivals. She…she even proposed that I was maybe her mother, or like her mother, way before she knew it was me…what do you think that means?"

"I don't know, sweetheart." Cassandra admitted. "Maybe she could feel that mother-daughter connection before she even knew. Maybe it was just…there?"

"You mean the connection I pushed away once I finally met her because I was too cowardly to make things any better between us?" Shelby asked, bitterly.

Cass gave her a kiss on the cheek and rubbed her arm soothingly. "Stop blaming yourself for things you did in the past, Shelby. Build a better future instead."

"How? I pushed Rachel away and now she's dead, Cassie. I can't build anything between us."

Cass gave her girlfriend a sad look. "Keep reading, sweetheart. They're helping."

So Shelby did.


	21. Like a Virgin

Chapter 20: Like a Virgin

Dear Mom,

How old were you when you lost your virginity? Did you do it for the right reasons? Because it felt like it was right, because it seemed like a good idea…because you loved the person you were with? (I have two gay dads, so I know I can't just assume here that you are straight or lesbian or whatever you are).

Did it hurt? Were you nervous? Did it feel magical or like a mess?

I know you aren't really going to be able to answer these.

I also know that I can't compete with the other girls who are willing to give Jesse the sexual attention he seems to acquire…and I think I'm ready.

I know you probably don't think I'm ready. But…you know as long as we're safe and everything…

I really love Jesse. I really, truly do. And the best part, mom? I think he really truly loves me, too. It feels…magical and right with him. Romantic and daring and dramatic…everything both Jesse and I are comfortable with.

So I think I'm going to do it. I think I'm going to have sex with Jesse St. James…

Shelby stopped reading for a moment and growled to herself. _Jesse St. James, I told you to befriend her not seduce her and take her virginity!_ Annoyed, she kept reading.

I just hope it goes well.

Love, Rachel Berry


	22. Sickness and Backing Out

Chapter 21: Sickness and Backing Out

Dear Mom,

I couldn't do it. With Jesse? I just couldn't go through with it. I think I wanted to make myself believe that I was ready because I was afraid he would leave me if I didn't keep him satisfied…I guess we don't truly love and trust each other as much as I thought we did, huh? I suppose I still have a lot to learn about love and relationships…hopefully I'll remind myself to stay true to my heart and not make decisions like that. I certainly don't want to end up like Quinn.

I'm sick, Mom. Very sick. With Laryngitis. It's ruining my entire everything and I am terrified. Did you ever get laryngitis? It's rotten! I don't seem to know how to function…I need applause to live. Like Tinkerbell.

It's all the glee kids' fault. Most of them have been mouthing things during rehearsals and I'm picking up all of their extra slack! To prove it, I even had a member of the A/V club place microphones in the room. I'm singing everything for everyone and it's left my voice over-exhausted! It isn't fair that I do all of the work for almost everything and they still get credit for MY work. Why am I the only one with passion for anything anymore? I'm sick of being the only one who cares.

My inner ear is completely compromised—I've gone temporarily tone deaf! I can't sing, and without my voice…how can I live properly?! It's just unfair. What is the world punishing me for? I didn't make any bad decisions lately! I decided NOT to sleep with Jesse, after all!

They told me I'll need surgery if it doesn't go away. I am terrified, Mom. What if this surgery ruins my voice forever?! My voice is my only talent. It's what makes me….ME!

I won't be able to sleep tonight. I've been worrying ever since I left the doctor's today. Finn took me.

Even though we're no longer together…we're still pretty good friends. I just wish the little bit of tension that's there would disappear. He can't stand Jesse.

Love, Rachel Berry


	23. Dream On

Chapter 22: Dream On

Dear Mom,

After taking antibiotics, THANK STREISAND, my voice has gone back to normal and I am no longer sick. *Heavy sigh of relief*. I wasn't sure what I was going to do if I had to get surgery, mom. It would've terrified me to shreds. My entire career would have been over.

So…today Jesse asked me what my dream was. (He's switched to McKinley and is a part of the New Directions, and we were talking about dreams during Glee today). (Can you BELIEVE he switched schools and glee clubs for ME?! How very romantic of him.)  
Anyways he asked me what my dream was and I told him, besides my obvious dream of Broadway…my dream is finding out who you really are. And maybe even…meeting you and getting to know you? Although I know that's probably a huge stretch…I can't help but want to know who you are. I wonder if you'll ever read these. I wonder if you're even still alive. Do you care about me or think about me at all, the way that I think about you? Do you wish to meet me too, or are you just some woman who did it for the money and never gave it a second thought? Deep down I truly doubt you're like that…but without knowing for sure, I can't help but have those fears…

So he's going to help me find out who you are. I may never get to meet you. I may never get to see you or talk to you or sing with you, (although that's always been a dream of mine, admittedly).

I hope we find something worthwhile.

Love, Rachel Berry


	24. I Dreamed a Dream

Chapter 23: I Dreamed a Dream

Dear Mom,

Have you ever wanted something so badly but were also so scared of it that you tried to talk yourself out of it, but at the same time…tried to talk yourself into it?

Jesse and I found a tape in my old baby stuff that's downstairs.

I never asked my dads to go through any of that or tell me anything about you because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. So we had to do it when they weren't home.

The tape is labeled "From Mother to Daughter". I figure that means it must be for you.

I thought I was ready to listen to it, mom…but…I don't think I am. What if you're nothing like I expect? What if you're everything that I expect and more? What if you…what if you don't like me? Or want to see me?

I don't know what's on that tape, but I'm terrified to find out.

Even though it's all I've ever wanted in my life.

God, I don't know what to do. I sent Jesse home and told him I wasn't ready to listen to it and now it's just…sitting next to my player, mocking me. I can feel it's presence in the room and I can't…I'm not going to be able to rest like this. Maybe I should just listen to it.

Okay. I'm going to go. I'm going to go listen to it.

Why do I feel so nervous? Like I might be sick…

Here I go. I'm putting my pen down now.

Am I? Maybe I decided this too soon. Maybe I should think on it for a second more…

No. No. I have to go listen to it. Now.

Love, Rachel Berry


	25. Anxiety

Chapter 24: Anxiety

Shelby set the letters down for a moment, with shaky hands. She wasn't sure if she wanted to continue reading after Rachel found out, even though she'd written quite a few more times, based on the unread pile sitting in her lap.

_You deserve to know the pain you caused her. It isn't going to feel good, idiot, that's why they call it pain._

She told herself, sternly, that she was the cause of Rachel's pain for a long time, and she would have to suffer the consequences of that. If she didn't read these letters she would die wondering what they said. What secrets may have been exposed, what emotions may have been conveyed. How Rachel felt towards her—even while she started working at McKinley and the two hardly said a word to each other. She had to find out through these letters, she reminded herself, because she had run out of chances. She would never get to talk to Rachel about this face to face, or try to fix anything, because Rachel was dead.

Already, Shelby had tears streaming down her face. She tried to wipe them before they went noticed by Cassie and failed, the blonde's concerned eyes glancing over at her.

"Are you alright, sweetheart?" she wondered softly.

"I don't want to read anymore." Shelby admitted, taking a deep, shaky breath. Her stomach hurt like she was going to be sick. Her heart pounded like it was going to explode and then she would be dead, too.

"You don't have to read if you don't want to, Shelby," Cassie rubbed Shelby's knee softly as she spoke. Never before had the blonde felt the need to convey such sympathy and love in her tone. "No one is forcing you to read if you don't want to."

"I have to," Shelby whispered back. "I have to read what she has to say to me. Even after she found out who I was. After I pushed her—away. I have to and I will." Tears blurred her vision and splashed down onto a few of the letters. She was never going to be able to read these letters if she couldn't see. The woman pulled herself together. She'd made her bed and now she had to sleep in it.

Cassie kept her hand stroking Shelby's leg for moral support. Shelby appreciated the unspoken comfort—the sense that she wasn't alone, even though this felt like the end of the world.

Slowly, steadily, Shelby lifted the next letter and started reading.

"Dear Shelby…"


	26. The Pieces Fit

Chapter 25: The Pieces Fit

Dear Shelby,

So it's you. It's you, Shelby Corcoran. You really are my mother. I suppose I've figured that for a little while now. With the looks you've been giving Jesse and I, with the relationship between he and I that I always assumed too good to be to be true. I guess I should have known it was a set up by you, but he always swore his feelings were true. We'll see if he still says that when I talk to him about all of this tomorrow. If I talk to him at all tomorrow.

I just don't understand why you never told me?

All this time, I've been right in front of you. I've been inches away from you. We shook hands at Vocal Adrenaline's invitational. We've spoken to each other; briefly, mind you, but still. And yet you never felt the need to tell me. You never felt the need to break that damn contract that kept us apart, or drop some sort of clue so that I would find you myself?

Of course I know now that's what Jesse was meant to do, and the tape.

You sing beautifully, by the way. Even better than I imagined. And I dare admit much better than me.

Why couldn't you have given me the tape sooner? Why did I have to spend so many years of my life away from you? Do you not want me, too? I have a feeling that's what this is about. You know that all my life all I've ever wanted is a mother but you still feel the same way that you did years ago. You don't want me. And why would you want your teenage daughter weighing you down when you have this wonderful career? When you train incredible kids and win national championships for a living?

Was the tape just to tell me who you are? To put my questioning at bay? Or you do you want me to approach you?

I plan on approaching you whether you want me to or not…I think it's about time we talked about this.

We'll see what you have to say…

Do you think you and I have a future together? As mother and daughter? Or is that not what you want at all?

God, I shouldn't be this nervous. It isn't as if I've never met you.

But this time feels different.

Quinn, Mercedes and I are going to spy on Vocal Adrenaline tomorrow.

I suppose that's a better time than never to approach you.

Love, Rachel Berry; a very nervous and jittery teenage girl who hopes to god that her mother wants to meet her as badly as she wants to meet you.


	27. Meeting Shelby Corcoran

Chapter 26: Meeting Shelby Corcoran

Dear Shelby,

What did I do wrong? Please, I'm dying to know…The tears on these paper are angry and confused. All I want is my mother…now I realize that she might not want me after all.

We talked, and I offered a dinner to get over the initial shock…and then you left. With promises to call, (a promise you have yet to fulfill, I might add).

Why would you do that? Why would you set all of this up with Jesse, decide it was time to meet me, and then just…leave?! I don't understand you in the slightest.

Was it because I mentioned that story about my dads? How they bring me water when I'm sad so I can never tell if I'm sad or thirsty?

Well I'm as thirsty as I've ever been right now. My dads just left my room after having a long talk with me about you. Something we've definitely never done before.

They insisted you aren't a completely selfish person. That you had dreams of stardom but that your heart is whole and huge and pure. That you always wanted a daughter, but that's not what it seemed like to me, today.

I was right earlier, when I said that genetics are incredible. We both see the world with this fierce, romantic sense of theatricality. We were comfortable in the silence before you freaked out and left.

You expected some sort of slow motion run into each other's arms and I'd be lying to say that I wasn't hoping for the same thing.

I don't understand. I should've wanted to just run into your arms and let you embrace me and make every sad thing that's ever happened to me all better.

But I just didn't feel it.

And I could tell you didn't, either.

Things were awkward between us. We already knew each other, it wasn't a meeting, it was only a revealed secret that hung between the two of us. There was no loving embrace. We sat seats away from each other and cast scared, teary eyed glances at one another from afar.

This isn't what I expected at all.

I can't tell which is worse—not knowing who you were, or what just happened between the two of us.

For some reason I get the feeling you might be even more afraid of all of this than I am. But will you just let me into your life? I would love to get to know you. I would love to be able to learn from you.

We clearly aren't ready for any sort of mother daughter relationship like I had hoped, (or, as I can see, like you had hoped as well). But that's what we are. We are mother and daughter, whether either of us can accept that in our hearts or not.

I could learn so much from you. Share so much with you.

Could we at least…be friends? For now?

I know it's a lot to take in.

I know I'm not really going to send this to you, (although I've been debating it, believe you, me).

But could we at least…give it a try?

And if it doesn't work then fine. Maybe we just weren't meant to be in each other's lives.

At least then, we'll know.

Love, Rachel Berry


	28. Theatricality

Chapter 27: Theatricality

Dear Shelby,

Thank you, for at least making my theatricality outfit. It was a big hit, with the glee kids. My dads can't sew, so…I really needed a mom, and I'm thankful that you stepped up and helped me. Even if you don't want to anymore.

That's the feeling that I get, anyways, after what happened today.

You sang with me. For that I am thankful. It's always been a dream of mine, and, although Poker Face is probably not the best mother-daughter reconnection song, it was what was in my folder at the time and I'm thankful that you didn't ask questions—that you just went with it. Even put on the spot like that, you were truly extraordinary.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I feel thirsty and terrified and sad…I feel conflicted and confused and heartbroken. My dads swear they're sending me to therapy, although I'm not sure I'm going to agree to that. Nobody will be able to understand this feeling…not even you, probably.

You explained why I didn't want to run into your arms…it hurt more than I thought it would.

"It's because I'm your mother, but I'm not your mom."

I guess that's true enough, huh?

You're right, you aren't my mom. You didn't bring me a glass of water when I was sad, you didn't tuck me into bed at night and sing me to sleep and pay for my dance lessons. You didn't coach me through my first dance competition. You didn't hold me when I was scared.

You gave birth to me. And that was it.

And that seems to be all you want to do for right now.

"Any relationship we have right now will be confusing for you". That's what you said to me. Would it? Would it be confusing to me, or to you? Is this the first time you couldn't control your emotions? You got sad and decided to run away because this was the first time in your life you couldn't control the situation?!

Your my mother and not my mom.

You said that you always wanted a daughter. That I'm grown up now, and I don't need you anymore. You don't want me, you want the baby you gave up years ago and you're upset because she's gone. Why am I being punished for that? For growing up when you had a chance and signed me off on a closed adoption?

How would you know that I don't need you? Of course I need you. But if you don't want me, I'm not going to fight it. If you want to "be grateful for one another from afar for now" then fine. We can.

But don't expect me to just rush into your arms whenever you're ready. I'm not going to live our relationship on your terms alone.

I've needed you my whole life.

And now…you're just grateful for me from afar.

I'm glad you finally got the "closure" you wanted.

And that gold star glass you got for me?

Gold stars are kind of my thing, too.

Love, Rachel Berry


	29. I Wish I Was Your Mom

Chapter 28: I Wish I Was Your Mom

"Oh, Rachel." Shelby was bawling, her arms wrapped tightly around herself and tears falling so quickly down her face she had to cast the letters to the side so she didn't completely ruin them. She wished so badly that she could explain to Rachel everything. That she could rewind time and accept some sort of mother-daughter relationship on the day that they met in that way. That she hadn't been so selfish, and scared, and conflicted. That she hadn't impacted and changed Rachel's life forever and then dropped out last minute.

She wished she wasn't a coward.

She wished that Rachel was alive and that they could just start all over. They had been in an okay place recently. They could've built upon that and now…now they didn't have the chance to.

"Stop blaming yourself, sweetheart. Rachel can sense how sorry you are. She knows now everything that's in your heart," Cassandra tried to explain to her. "Let go of that heavy burden on your chest. You were friends before her death. She's forgiven you. You were past all of these feelings of regret, you know that…"

But Shelby hardly heard her. It didn't feel true to her. It wouldn't unless she could talk to Rachel personally, which she knew she could never do again.

She also felt selfish for wanting all of this, when Rachel was the one who would never have the chance to want anything ever again. And there were only a few letters left.

In watching the news the night before, it was only a small comfort to find out that the drunk driver who hit Rachel was sentenced to jail. He would get the punishment he deserved, which, in Shelby's opinion, was death.

Rachel would never be truly avenged. Her feelings of pain about her mother would never be put at peace. She would never feel the complete love and adoration that Shelby wanted to give to her—had always wanted to give to her but had always been too nervous or closed off to do anything about it.

It was true that she'd always wanted to be Rachel's mom. She'd regrettably let her dreams of Broadway get in the way before, and then let her fears stop her afterwards. With Rachel's death brought on an even stronger emotion of needing to let Rachel knew just how loved she was. Of course now that Shelby could never do that, it hurt worse.

"She'll never know." Shelby sobbed. "She'll never feel love from me, she'll never know how much I loved her—"

"She knows now, in spirit—"

"It's not the same, you don't understand."

Shelby didn't want to push Cassandra away—it wasn't her fault she didn't understand—and she was thankful for the attempted comfort, although she wasn't sure what she truly wanted anymore. "I'm sorry, Cassie." Shelby whispered right away. She knew the last thing she needed to do right now was push the rest of her loved ones out of her life. She'd learned to never make that mistake again. "I didn't mean it."

"Don't apologize, Shelby…It's okay."

"Rachel," Shelby whispered, her throat feeling choked. "I wish I was your mom."


	30. Replaced

Chapter 29: Replaced

Dear Shelby,

So you adopted Beth. There you go, mom. You've got your baby girl that you've always wanted. I'm just sorry that she wasn't me. I'm not sure if you're sorry about that or not, but you seem to be at least a little guilty.

But you also seem very happy with Quinn and Puck's biological little baby girl. I wish the two of you all the happiness in the world. I hope that you enjoy being her mom, instead of her biological mother.

Know that none of this letter is sarcastic—I honestly mean what I'm saying. I've accepted that you and I aren't ever going to have that deep connection that we both seemed to always want. It's over for us. You're going off to New York where you call home, with your new baby girl, to start your life new. Fresh.

I'm stuck here in Lima to finish high school here. Stuck being a Lima Loser. Is it bad that part of me wants to go with you? The other part of me knows that would never work out. And I couldn't leave my dads or new glee friends here. It wouldn't be fair to them. Or to you. Or maybe even to me.

Of course, after the most recent events, Jesse has returned to Vocal Adrenaline—something you obviously already know. I shouldn't have assumed anything else would happen. I can't believe I let myself get my hopes up like that.

Are you happy? I wish you happiness in New York. I hope you can make your dreams come true.

Do it for both of us.

Love, Rachel Berry


	31. After a Return

**So I guess including the prologue there are 32 chapters. I guess I was right the first time. I have yet to write the final chapter but it will be posted as soon as I do.**

**Love always, Hayley**

Chapter 30: After a Return

Shelby,

It's been a long time since I've written anything to you. I suppose I just got…sad, when you left. I couldn't see the point in continuing to write to you anymore.

But now…now you're back, to train that tone deaf weirdo Sugar Motta. As long as it's a weight that's not on Mr. Schue's shoulders…

You seem…different now. More open. Changed. I think it's because you've experienced being a mom, and not just a mother. I want you to know I think that's great, truly. I'm glad you finally get to know what it feels like.

We've actually talked quite a few times since your return. I've even babysat Beth a couple of times…she's amazing. You're a great mom. I just hope you know that. An amazing mom. You've sacrificed everything for Beth and that is amazing. It's clear how much she loves you.

I apologize for Quinn's behavior. None of us knows about her anymore. I don't suggest trusting her.

You can't imagine how great it feels that you've opened up a bit more to me now. Even if we aren't mom and daughter, it's something. And that something has meant the world to me. I love you, Shelby. I really truly do. And I know now that you love me, too. And that's all the closure I've ever needed.

Thank you, for pushing through my anger. For insisting I audition for West Side Story with Somewhere, and for helping me rehearse even though I was cold to you. I needed that push to not be cold. I needed you to reopen my heart.

I know that when you said, "Somewhere there's a place for us," and I yelled that there wasn't, even though you were talking about the song, that was the last thing you wanted to hear. I want you to know that I didn't mean it. I just said it because I was mad.

Somewhere, there is a place for us. Someday there's a time for us. I can't help but wonder if that time is soon.

God I hope so. I'd love to expand on this relationship.

I love you, Shelby. I really truly do, and I wish us a new beginning and all the happiness in the world. I hope Beth appreciates how lucky she is—I'm sure she does.

I'm going out with Finn and Kurt tonight. Excited to hang out with people that I can finally call my best friends.

You and I have both grown, and I like to think that despite everything we've been through, we've become better people because of it.

I love you.

Love, Rachel Berry


	32. A Final Goodbye

**Not precisely the ending I had in mind, but I hope you enjoy it all the same. I know this was a short story, (really it was just a drabble that I couldn't get out of my head) but thank you for reading it all the same.**

**Love always, Hayley**

Chapter 31: A Final Goodbye

Wiping her tears, Shelby glanced out the window and realized she'd been up for over 24 hours now. It was daylight outside. She looked back down at the last letter, remembering reading it and absorbing the information, but not remembering her surrounds while she had read it. Or the one before. Or the one before. She had been so entranced she hadn't even realized that Cassandra had left for work. Shelby turned her attention to a piece of paper lying next to her. It was in Cassandra's handwriting as opposed to Rachel's.

Shelby's eyes adjusted to the different handwriting as she read,

**I had to go into work, sweetheart. I didn't want to bother you—you needed to finish those letters. I knew you wouldn't stop until you did. I love you. I hope you have found some sense of closure now, sweetheart. I don't know what those letters said, but I know that Rachel loved you.**

**I'll see you tonight when I get home.**

**Love always, Cassie**

Shelby thought about Cassandra's words. "I hope you have found some sense of closure now, sweetheart."…she had found some sense of closure in reading Rachel's words. She was more accepting of the fact that her daughter was gone, no matter how much pain and hurt that brought her. She knew now that there was no possible way to fix anything. That she had to stop regretting her past because it couldn't be changed, and it didn't make Rachel hate her. Rachel still loved her. Still. Even after all the two of them had been through. Even though she was gone.

But her closure wasn't necessarily…enough. Not yet. There was one more thing that she had to do before she could go to sleep. One more thing she had to do before she could continue on with her life in any way, shape, or form.

She had to go talk to Rachel.

. . .

After leaving a note similar to Cassandra's, explaining to her that she'd gone to the graveyard, Shelby left. It only took 20 minutes to drive to the graveyard where Rachel was buried, and Shelby didn't think that was nearly enough time to think about what she was going to say and how she was going to say it. Luckily, at least to start out with, she had taken some notes about how she wanted to answer some of Rachel's question. She brought these notes with her, along with all of Rachel's letters.

Stepping out of her car, Shelby wrapped her coat around her, the breeze in the air sweeping her hair across her face. She walked very slowly over to the newly dug grave, new tears already pricking at her eyes. She wasn't sure how she was going to do this. But she knew she had to. Rachel deserved answers.

Shelby took a long, deep, shaky breath, and glanced down at the papers in her hands. After a moment, she decided to sit down next to the grave, crossing her legs and setting the papers off to the side, next to her. Somberly, she stared at Rachel's freshly carved gravestone.

_Rachel Barbra Berry. Beloved daughter, friend, and student. Our shining star._

The tears stung even more now and as one slid down Shelby's cheek she whispered,

"Hi, Rachel. Hi, my baby." She paused for a breath. "I miss you. So very much do I miss you. And I love you. More than anything else in the world. I um…" suddenly she was nervous. Even if she wasn't talking to Rachel face to face…she was still talking to Rachel. To the Rachel that she hadn't spoken to in a long time. The Rachel that was her daughter who was…who was no longer living.

"You deserve some answers, sweetie. I'm so sorry you never got them before now. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I should've known better when I first met you…that you were a teenager. That of course you still needed your mom, even though you weren't a baby anymore. I was selfish. I was so selfish. My whole life. Hell, I'm still selfish. Most of me coming here to answer you today was because you deserve answers, but it's also partially because I need some…stronger sense of closure. It's just so hard to believe you're really gone…

"But…here I am being selfish again. I haven't even started to answer your questions…so…here goes…everything, I suppose. Even though I'm way too late. Way, way too late." She took a deep breath. "Firstly, it is more than alright that you call me "mom". I've been wanting you to call me "mom" your whole life. I do know who Barbra Streisand is. She's my idol and she seems to be yours too—you're right when you said that genetics truly are amazing, baby girl, because we are so very similar. I also understand there being some things you can't talk to your dads about. I'm sure they were good dads, and I know that you loved them. But I am so very sorry they were so busy all the time. I'm sorry they didn't give you the time that they needed to give to you. I'm sorry that I didn't give you the time you needed me to give to you.

"I come from a world of theatre too, baby…which means I understand what it feels like to be and outcast. To be the overdramatic girl that nobody likes. To be the star that overshadows everyone else, and to be the only one who feels like she's actually trying. Although, I can't say that I can imagine the pain of being slushied, (especially numerous times a day…). I'm sorry that anybody even had the means to do that to you, or that they were as horrible as to do it so often. You are not a Lima Loser. You are a star. You shine so brightly. It isn't your fault that nobody around you understood that. It's their fault that their minds weren't open enough and that they didn't accept you for who you really are. A beautiful, wonderful star. And believe it or not, even Broadway stars are made fun of sometimes. There will always be people who are afraid of you because you are different, so they mock you and push you down because of that fear. They don't have to believe you're a star, my Rachel. As long as you believe it.

"I'm not nearly as talented as Barbra Streisand or Patti LuPone. As much as I wish I could tell you I'm someone as amazing as the two of them…I'm definitely not. I wish I could live up to your expectations and be someone incredible like that. You deserve someone that great and I'm sorry that I'm not her. I'm sorry that I didn't show you who I really am, and I'm sorry that I got your hopes up.

"I did go to New York. But my dream of Broadway didn't come true. Instead, as you know now, I became the coach of Vocal Adrenaline. I spent every waking minute thinking about them and had no social life, even though we won all of those National championships…but we've talked before about my dreams coming true.

"I understand completely, when you talk about performance. No matter how many times I performed in front of a sold out show, I always got nervous. It was always terrifying. You're right, "Being good isn't good enough, I'll be the best or nothing at all," because we never know how the audience is going to respond. We never know how badly we're going to mess up or not. But you know what, Rachel? Failure, no matter how much you or I hate it, no matter how much of a perfectionist we may be, is a part of life. We learn from our mistakes. And we make so many mistakes throughout our lives. But it's what makes us human. It's what makes us good enough, it's what helps us to be the best that we can be. That being said, yes, baby girl, performance was and is my escape.

"I have seen the musical Wicked. I actually, played Elphaba for a very short amount of time. It's a truly very beautiful musical and you're right, Defying Gravity is a beautiful song. Working so hard for something that no one else will work for—flying solo and flying free—sometimes that's the best option when others refuse to help you. Sometimes working independently, even though it hurts to sometimes be alone, makes you stronger. Shows off your strengths. Sometimes other people pull you down and sometimes they lift you up, you just have to find which ones do which, and stick to those who make you stronger. It will always be worth it.

"If I could go back and talk to you when you first had a crush on Finn, which was adorable, by the way, I would tell you to screw whatever Quinn Fabray thinks or whatever Santana thought at the time. If Finn really truly loved you, which he did, it didn't matter what Quinn or Santana did to sabotage the two of you. Because at the end of the day he loved you so, SO very much and you two were unstoppable. You were incredible together.

"You don't need to be "prettier like that Quinn girl" because Quinn did not hold a candle to your beauty. You are GORGEOUS. SO much prettier than Quinn Fabray. And Finn loved you for YOU. The thing about your relationship is that he didn't pressure you to be anything but yourself. You didn't have to have sex with him for him to like you, you didn't have to do favors for him or buy him dinner. He deeply, truly loved you for you, Rachel. You were his shining star.

"You didn't mess up that kiss, Rachel. He was so turned on by you that he had to hurry and leave before things were taken to the next level. Because he knew neither of you were ready for that. He was embarrassed, Rach, and I'm sure he felt bad for leaving so quickly and not explaining himself, but I promise he didn't do it to hurt you.

"Ah, Dakota Stanley. I loathed that man. He was only able to work with my kids on rare occasions—when I really wanted help to perfect a dance routine, or when the kids weren't working well under my direction and I wanted to tell them not to push their limits. When they knew they were messing up and were talking back too much, I'd bring in Dakota to set them straight. Because if I couldn't do it, Dakota sure as hell could. You're right, of course. He was an over expensive bastard who wasn't as good as he claimed to be—even if he did help us win a few times. I think it's great that you were brave enough to fire him—and it was a nice touch that you pointed out his height. He hated that.

"You're right, you were technically made specifically for your dads. Technically, you were never mine to begin with, so I suppose it's not fair of me to wish that I could have kept you. It's not fair of me to wish that I was there all your life when your fathers and I made the decision for it to be a closed adoption. But I was so young. I was so foolish to sign you off completely. So foolish to think of myself before I thought of you and I will forever be sorry for it, Rachel. What's worse is that I never could've made up for it. I could've never taken your pain away and I can't even say any of this to your face anymore because I'm too late. I love you, Rachel, and I wish I could've given you the motherly comfort that you've always craved.

"You and I do have the same eyes, Rachel. Except that yours are so much more sparkly and full of life. They're much prettier than mine. I dress…well I don't really dress like much of anything, recently. I've been really focused on reading your letters, I haven't gone anywhere…so I never really got dressed. I usually dress to kill. Heels, suits, dresses…well…you've seen me walking the halls of McKinley. And I must say your wardrobe, though very unique, was actually really special. It expressed you wonderfully. And the fact that your mind was wandering back to Shelby Corcoran would make sense, since I am Shelby Corcoran. Maybe it's a mother-daughter thing that you just…knew it was me. Of course I wanted to talk to you. To listen and read about your life, which, by the way, was anything but boring.

"I'm so sorry about the Jesse thing. It was, yes, originally my idea. I had to meet you and I wasn't going to let that contract get in my way any longer. I waited so long because…Because I was selfish and immature and I was scared. Scared of what I was going to find out. Scared that we wouldn't be the mother-daughter pair I hoped we would be. And yet I was still never able to find out because I was too self-centered and terrified to.

"I told Jesse to befriend you, not seduce you. I'm sorry he tried to pressure you into having sex. That little bastard took matters into his own hands. But he really loved you, Rachel. His feelings for you were so real. I can tell because he changed. He went into it thinking he was going to just have a nice acting opportunity. But then you two became friends. You became boyfriend and girlfriend and he really, truly loved you. He didn't want to see you get hurt. Neither he nor I could control the feelings of the other Vocal Adrenaline members.

"To answer your questions, I was sixteen when I lost my virginity to a guy. Eighteen when I first slept with a woman. The woman I love who I'm with again today. It hurt slightly, yes, but I thought I was in love. It wasn't just sex, there were emotions and feelings there and that's what made it beautiful. Of course I was terrified. Especially when it came to Cassie, when those feelings for women were new and scary. But she took care of me. She loves me. That's the determining factor Rach—when you truly love one another and are going to take care of each other and comfort each other. You're sharing a part of yourself.

"I've also gotten laryngitis before. Wow," Shelby laughed to herself, the tears continuing to flow down her face as she talked to her daughter. "I'm sorry these answers are all over the place. I hope you can keep up with my craziness. Laryngitis is horrible. It's common in singers…I'm sure you would've gotten it much more often further on in your life…" She stopped to remember that Rachel would never experience anything again and took a moment to breathe. She looked around her and realized how long she'd been here. The sun was starting to set. She didn't care. Cassie knew where she was so she wouldn't be worried—she was going to finish answering Rachel.

"I think about you all the time and care about you more than I've ever cared about anything else. I wanted to meet you. I wanted to get to know you. I let fear get in the way and I ruined everything we ever had. I can never apologize enough for that. That being said, yes, I have wanted something so badly but I was also so scared of it that I tried to both talk myself out of it and talk myself into it. I had all of the same fears that you did. I feared I wouldn't live up to your expectations, I feared that you wouldn't like me. That we would have nothing in common. That I would be a horrible mother. Well…I was a horrible mother. I so wish I could make it up to you. But I know that even if you were here…I probably never could…

"I wish I could've told you sooner, Rachel. If I hadn't signed that damned contract, I would've. I couldn't have just broken it to tell you. If I'd done that, we certainly wouldn't have had that relationship that both of us longed for, because they wouldn't have allowed me to ever see you again. I did want us to have a future. I just ruined it before we could. I'm through making excuses about it. I have no excuses. I ruined it, Rachel. It's my fault and I take full responsibility for the pain I've caused you. For everything that's happened between us.

"You didn't do anything wrong, sweetheart. I just did what I always do. I got scared of something new. Something different. And I walked away. I wanted to call. I insisted that you were grown and you didn't need me anymore, because…well part of me really thought you were. I always wanted a daughter, Rachel. After I had you, there were some complication and then there was some surgery, and…I can't have any more kids. I really wanted us to work. I wanted my baby back. But you weren't a baby anymore. I am so sorry. I love that after I moved back to McKinley we were almost friends. Almost friends was better than anything I ever expected after I left you for the second time.

"It was always a dream of mine to sing with you, too. You are beautiful. You have a gorgeous voice and you are extraordinary. Better than I ever could have imagined." Shelby had never cried so much in her entire life. She couldn't cry anymore. She didn't have any tears left. "You're right, Rachel. You are so smart. I couldn't control my emotions. I got scared. I ran away. And as much as I wish I could fix it, as much as I wish you weren't dead, as much as I wish I could rewind my life and start over with you…I can't. And I know I have to accept that. Or at least try to.

"Know that I didn't adopt Beth to replace you. Nobody could EVER replace you, Rachel. You are one of a kind. One in a million. Beth is my daughter. You are my daughter. But she could never replace you. You will always hold a large part of my heart with you. I love you so much. Because you asked me to, I will fight for my dreams. For our dreams. I'll do it for the both of us, just like you wanted. You're right, my baby girl. Somewhere there is a place for us. I know that you're always with me." Shelby put a hand to Rachel's gold star necklace, clasped around her neck. She looked up and found it completely dark outside now. To her side was her girlfriend, waiting patiently for mother to finish heartfelt conversation with daughter. A final tear slid down Shelby's cheek as she stood and placed a kiss to Rachel's grave. "You were right when you said that being a part of something special makes you special. You were my something special. You made the world around you special, and changed our lives and made us all better people. None of us would be who we are today without you, Rachel. We all love and miss you so very much." She kissed the grave once more and whispered a final time. "You are my sunshine, Rachel. My shining star. And because I knew you, I have been changed for good. I love you."


End file.
